He Said, She Said

The other day this chick is sucking my dick, right?
So she says, "Why do I always have to suck your dick?"
So I says, "'Cause I can't."

That reminds me, before the show this chick is sucking my dick, right?
And that bothered me, you know, 'cause like
I see you on a date, this, that, you know?
When you, like, fellate him, that's out of caring
This chick's doing it 'cause I'm famous, you understand?
That bothers me
I have a heart, I'm sensitive
She's looking in the mirror going, "
I can't believe I'm licking Dice's balls"

I'm like, you think that's something? Look
What your mother's doing to my ass pipe

You know what I mean? That hurt me for a while

It's like the other day this chick is chewing on my meat bag
And I'm thinking, like, everybody else
In the elevator must feel embarrassed
I'll tell you something, this chick sucks so much
Dick, she had cum gutters put in around her head
But I'm a nice guy, I am
Don't look like I'm saying anything wrong, I'm nice

It's like this morning I'm fucking my wife, right?
You know what I mean? I'm good like that
Even though in a marriage the lust goes out, the
Passion disappears, I mean I'm fucking her, right?
I'm slamming this filthy animal off the fucking walls
I'm throwing her up in the air, she's spinning
Around, she's landing right on my peg
Engage! Engage!

All of a sudden the alarm goes off, she wakes up

So now I'm walking around the house with
Like, you know, pink, blue balls
You know what I mean? You've had them, right?
But I'm smart, right? I go out on the balcony
I live on the fourth floor, I see this sexy chick sun tanning
Near the pool, so I jerk off all over and I run back in the house
And she's looking around like it was a bird

So anyway, today I was thinking of buying a new car, but
Instead I jerked off all over myself and saved forty grand
You following these jokes, honey?
Yeah, good for you, I'm over here now
She's looking at me like an animal already, I didn't even say nothing

I'm a good family man, yeah, I went to Macy's
It had to be, I don't know, three days ago, right?
For Mother's Day I wanted to buy my wife
Perfume, 'cause I forgot Mother's Day, right?
So I go into the perfume section, the saleswoman's going
"Is there any particular fragrance you're looking for?"
So I says, "Yeah, something that'll smell great on your pussy"
And what a fucking attitude she gives me now
I'll tell you what happened

Two days ago in the dry cleaner's I'm
Fucking this chick from behind, right?
So I'm getting ready to shoot my garbage all over her back
I mean I don't know what you call it, you have an extra back, garbage
Maybe you rub it in sometimes, like a fine liniment or something
So I'm getting ready to shoot my, you know, dick snot
Whatever you want to call it, all over her back
So she, yeah, dick snot
So she looks at me and she's like, "Why do you wanna come on my back?"
So I says, "Because your face don't appeal to me"

Oh, I'll tell you what happened

Last week I'm on the beach with my family
So I'm licking this chick's asshole
Kids are playing in the sand, nobody sees nothing, right?
And she looked like a nice girl, so I
Figured, eh, let me lick her asshole
So she's looking at me going, "Why are you licking my asshole?"
So I says, "'Cause your pussy tastes like shit"

Try to do somebody a favor, try to be nice like that
Everybody goes home and wonders, "Why am I licking your asshole?"
Is that something, like you, you like that, right?
Oh, now you're gonna be shy, right?
All right, get a little more liquored up
Then we'll talk about your asshole
You see how there's, like, a stigma around the asshole?

See, in other countries, like, you know, like
New York, everybody appreciates the asshole

But out here everybody's shy about it
And I don't know why
Here, you're fucking the chick, it's like
Your pussy takes the brunt of it, right?
Like when you're in bed with a guy
What's your name, sweetheart? (Sherry)
Sherry, you're in bed with a guy, doesn't
Your pussy take, like, the brunt of it all?
You know what I mean? Like, you know what I mean?
His cock, his balls, his feet, whatever, you know what I mean?

And, but yet the asshole's right there
It's the neighbor to the pussy

But it's almost like the neighbor that lives next
Door that plays the music too loud at three in the
Morning that you want nothing to do with, right?
Oh, ignore the asshole now
No, I don't bother with the asshole, not me
I'm good like that, my friend

Mother's Day, I stuck, like, some flowers in my wife's ass
I'm going, "Look how beautiful that smells"
Like roses, I'm over here now
A hot day like today, you stick, like
A protein bar right in her shit funnel over there
You're banging her from behind, you start losing a little wind
I got another twenty minutes in me, you filthy fucking animal

It's like the other day I'm scratching
This chick's asshole with my toe
No big story