I’M Gonna Hire A Wino

I came crawling home last night like many nights before
I finally made it to my feet as she opened up the door
And she said, "You're not going to do this anymore"

She said, "I'm goin' to hire a wino to decorate our home
You'll feel more at ease here, and you won't need to roam
Will take out that dining room table
We'll put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign will point the way to our bathroom down the hall"

She said, "bring those Friday paychecks
And I'll cash them all right here
And I'll keep on tap for all your friends their favorite kind of beer
And for you, I'll always keep in stock those soft aluminum cans
So that when you're feeling macho, you can crush 'em like a man

She said, "We'll rip out all the carpet, and put sawdust on the floor
Serve hard-boiled eggs and pretzels
Yeah, I won't cook no more
There'll be Monday night football on TV above the bar
And a pay phone in the hallway when your friends can't find their car"

She said, "I'm going to hire a wino to decorate our home
You'll feel more at ease here, and you won't need to roam
We'll take out that dining room table, put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign will point the way to our bathroom down the hall

She said, "You'll get friendly service and for added atmosphere
I'll slip on somethin' sexy, and I'll cut it clear to here
And you can slap my bottom every time you tell a joke
Just as long as you keep a tippin', well, I'll laugh until you're broke

She said, "Instead of family quarrel we'll have a barroom brawl
When the hams bear says it's closing time, you won't have far to crawl
Then when you run out of money, you'll have me to thank
You can sleep it off the next morning while I'm putting it in the bank

She said, "I'm going to hire a wino to decorate our home
You'll feel more at ease here, and you won't need to roam
Then when you and your friends get off from work, and you have a powerful thirst
Well, there won't be any reason why you can't stop off here first

She said, "I'm going to hire a wino, and he'll decorate our home
You'll feel more at ease here, and you won't need to roam
We'll take out the dining room table, put a bar along that wall
And a neon sign will point the way to our bathroom down the hall"