Dear Self

Dear self, I'm sorry that I hurt you. 
I chose to love others, but I never loved you. 
I knew you were afraid of rejection, and I wanted to protect you. 
But instead, I just let you be used. 
I would watch you cry in the closet every night
Made you stay silent every time you had an issue 
I know what hurts you every time people left. 
But I would often say that it was all because of you. 
I never listened 
See I was taught that given everything you had, even when you had nothing was love. 
The pastor told us God would be happy if we sacrificed ourselves even though Jesus did it for us. 
I knew you liked girls, and I hated you for that
I knew you couldn't change it cnd I hated you for that 
I knew that you were broken. cnd I hated you for that
I knew that you needed me but never gave you that
cnd I'm sorry 
I've been trying to make amends with my broken pieces
Trying to learn to let go and forgive me for leaving. 
I've been sitting down with God, and we've been talking about you
Said, I'll never find love if I don't care about you
Yeah, I know. It's hard to trust when people walk away. 
I know it's hard for you to leave when you shouldn't stay. 
I know It's hard to feel safe when you feel alone. 
I know you feel like you do so much on your own but 
I know that story in your mind and be telling lies
Trying to say that you ain't worthy of the good life
Trying to say that your mistakes define who you are
But you still deserve love, despite the many flaws
You try to prove yourself. Even if it killed you 
You're worthy love and yeah, I mean, the real you
We don't have to be ashamed now
Know, we made a pact that we would never back down
But now's the time we can finally feel safe
cnd Learn to trust God every time my heart breaks
cnd I know I wasn't there when you needed me the most. 
I was trying to fix others when I knew that you were broke. 
But I can't take you back now. 
I want to learn to love you and figure out how
How to give you what you need and accept you 
cnd stop blaming all these people that left you. 
So in 2021, I was in the hospital on a suicide attempt. cnd it was in that moment that I chose to learn to love myself heal and walk in the fullness of who God made me to be regardless of what other people would say about it. cnd I chose to come out as queer and accept myself because I believe that God accepted me as well.