It'S No Use Looking At Me

Last Sunday I strolled into church
The first time for years
A christening they had
A fine baby lad
The parson said "Now who's the pa of this bouncing boy?"
He looked at me, I grabbed my hat
I said, "I don't do things like that"

It's no use looking at me
No use looking at me
He said, "I thought a likeness I could see"
I blushed red all around my ears
And said, "My word, what strange ideas
Why, I've been to sea for the last three years"

So it's no use looking at me
It's no use looking at me

In the courts a murder case
I heard being tried
The murderer sat there
He's at large today
But no doubt they'll trace him by the scar on his face
The judge then glared all round the dock
He caught my eye, I said, "Old cock"

It's no use looking at me
No use looking at me
He said, "I thought a scar on your face I could see"
I said, "You're rather out of place
I've got a scar but in my case
It's a damned long way off from my face"

So it's no use looking at me
It's no use looking at me

At acting once I tried my hand
They said I'd be good
Arrangements were made
And Hamlet I played
I got rather muddled when I dressed for the part
The audience were full of grins
I shouted out "Oddsbodykins"

It's no use looking at me
No use looking at me
I was feeling a draught around my anatomy
I must have looked the sight of sights
I shouted, "Eee, turn out the lights
'Cause I've only got one leg in my tights"

So it's no use looking at me
No, no, it's no use looking at me