My Plus Fours

When I was growing bigger
Some plus-fours I had made
I knew they'd suit my figure
For the figure that I paid

When I bought them, I was skinned
As I walked home, the folks all grinned
For the three-bob sale price ticket was pinned
On my plus-fours

I nursed a baby once for fun
Gave him some milk and when he'd done
The colour all began to run
On my plus-fours

I've had them pressed, I've had them turned, but no one can tell
The front side is the backside, and they're inside out as well

The first night after I was wed
My bride, such nasty things she said
'Cause I was shy and went to bed
In my plus-fours

A spout I climbed my girl to see
I jumped, but a rusty nail caught me
And hanging from her balcony
Were my plus-fours

I rode a moke on Hampstead Heath
I was less on top than underneath
I rode three miles with a donkey's teeth
In my plus-fours

I've had them pressed, I've had them turned, but no one can tell
The front side is the backside, and they're inside out as well

Once in a hospital, oh lor
They X-rayed me and what is more
They were surprised at what they saw
In my plus-fours

On a chair, I sat with a girl so sweet
The paint was wet, then down the street
I ran like hell without a seat
On my plus-fours

My landlady has got good sense
To start the week, well, she'll commence
Each Monday, she gets 18 pence
On my plus-fours

I've had them turned, I've had them pressed, but no one can tell
The front side is the backside, and they're inside out as well

In a field, I slept just near some calves
A farmer woke me through his laugh
With a milkmaid, he was playing draughts
On my plus-fours