The Best Of Schemes

For one hundred pounds
A lot though it sounds
The channel I bet that I swim
I'm a rascal for sports
So in my little shorts
I turned up full of vim
I said to myself "I'm fine
And the money's as good as mine"

But the best of schemes will often go wrong
They often go wrong with me
I jumped in the water but it all was in vain
For so cold and wet I jumped out again
Although I froze, I said "here goes"
And started good and strong
I swam for fourteen hours with the sea like a lake
I reached the other side and said "the money I'll take"
And then I found I'd swam the serpentine by mistake
And another good scheme went wrong

I used to live swell at a hotel
And there a young lady stayed too
So lovely was she, I said "this is me
I'll have to see more of you"
Quite well with her I chafed
And she guessed I'd got something caked

But the best of schemes will often go wrong
They often go wrong with me
She gave me the glances on the stairs we both passed
I said to myself "he have clicked at last"
I thought I'd bluff, the caveman stuff
My love was growing strong
That night I watched and waited till I heard her retire
Then crept along the landing in me scanty attire
But just as I got to her door the hotel caught fire
And another good scheme went wrong