Orphaned At Thirty-Three

I know you think I'm this perfect guy
But there's something I have to confess
I only hope it doesn't make you like me any less

I've got this tragic backstory
That's driven other girls away
But I feel like I can trust you
You won't judge me for what I say

The others couldn't handle it
'Cause my story's just too sad
But here I go, you outta know
I have no mom or dad

(They're dead)
That makes me an orphan

I had no one to bake me bread
No one to make my bed
No one to teach me the difference between right and wrong
Or to sing me a song
I long to be as strong as I used to be
But I was orphaned at 33

I've got no one to hold me tight
No one to kiss me goodnight
No one to press their breasts up against me and say, "It'll all be ok"
But hey, that's just the way life is for me
Since I was orphaned at 33

They call me a jerk off, a burnout, a punk
But I can't let that junk in my head
I could've been a contender
If not for the fact that my parents are dead

All things considered, I think I turned out pretty good
Pulled myself up by my bootstraps and started stealing all I could
Still, there's no one to love me now
But I'll make it through somehow
Despite being so sadly and crushingly all alone

But I make a solemn vow
That when I have kids of my own
I'll break the chain
You'll see
I'm gonna live forever!

So, they'll never know the pain of being orphaned at 33