I Got Off The Plane

Anyway, shall we watch some Friends?

Yeah great

Did she get off the plane??? Did she get off the plane???

I got off the plane!

You got off the plane…

I mean… this SCENE. Huge.

God yeah this was like the soundtrack to my YOUTH

I mean, sorry, but it’s no wonder our love lives are SO tragic… because THIS is the kind of heteronormative cliché we grew up with. Like, seriously, it just makes me wanna say to the whole goddamn era:

Nice one, early noughties!
Thank you cos you taught me
Some man 
Derailing your plans
Of flying to France
Is the height of all romance

Great job! Cos when this scene’s on
I recollect how each Friends season
You were like 
“There is just no way
That a love stor-ay
Would be even slightly gay!”

We’ve seen 
This scene
Again and again and again and again

And it’s so dated
Yeah it’s so brain-dead
And it’s so
Yeah it’s so 
Oh it’s sooooo

IT’S SO FUCKING GOOD
IT MAKES ME WANNA DIE
IT’S SO FUCKING GOOD
I’M GOUGING OUT MY EYE
AND THEN THE OTHER EYE, YEAH

When she left that flight
It broke me apart
So perfect and right
It tore out my heart
And fucked up my brain

So FUCK YOU RACH EL ANDROSS 
Fuck you both for sayin’
I got off the plane

D’you know what though. It’s no wonder Ross and Rachel got into our heads. Cos really, “Ross” and “Rachel” were kinda everywhere in culture… 

Go on…

Like, if you think about it, it was basically Rachel Capulet choosing Rosseo over Paris in fair Verona 

“Rosseo, Rosseo, wherefore art thou Rosseo?”. 

Oh and Rachel Winslet getting off the lifeboat to be with Ross Dicaprio 

“Paint me like one of your French Rachels”

“I’m just a Rachel, standing in front of a Ross, asking him to love her”

“You come to me on the day of my Rachel’s wedding”

Like, whether he was Ross the superhero, Ross the tennis player, Ross the animated sports car, it was always just that same story of Ross getting his Rachel reward in the end

Which I’m sure did wonders for both our psyches…

So…

Here’s to our favourite pair
For being e-ve-rywhere
On screen
On stage
Each time
The same paradigm
Of a boy that gets the girl

Thank god it was omnipresent
So we could absorb when pre-pubescent
“I exist just to be won”
“And I’ll find no one!”
Gee thanks, Ross and Rachel

We’ve seen
This scene
Again and again and again and again

And it’s so retro
Yeah it’s so het’ro
And it’s soo
Yeah it’s sooo
Oh it’s soooo problematic I actually can’t watch it again.

As if. No, 

IT’S SO FUCKING GOOD
IT TEARS ME TO BITS
IT’S SO FUCKING GOOD
IT GIVES ME THE BLUES
AND THEN THE SHITS! YEAH!

When
She comes back to Ross
It fills me with rage
All pop culture was
Was Rosses and Rachels
Rotting my brain

SO FUCK YOU RACH’L AND ALSOROSS
Cos all of that pain
It’s all there when you’re sayin’
I got off the plane

FUCK YOU ROSS FUCK YOU RACHOOWWWW
WE’RE FUCKED UP BECAUSE OF YOWWWW
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU
COS IT’S YOUR FUCKING FAULT-

Alright ALRIGHT, d’you know what, we’ve had enough of this

Yeah maybe we should just take a break…

Okay - look. Obviously the culture you grew up with, it wasn’t the most representative, wasn’t the most empowering, and yes, it affected you

But like, you’re the ones choosing to watch this ancient TV show over and over again?
 
Yeah there’s this other thing you could watch - oh what’s it called, I was recommended it the other day… oh yeah - LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE

And more importantly: everyone else you know - straight, queer - they all grew up watching the same crap as you. And guess what? They’re all fine. 

Lots of them are even in relationships!

So maybe the problem isn’t that we fucked you up for life…

Maybe the problem..is you?

It’s so fucking true
Of course, the problem’s us
Fuck, it’s fucking true
It’s not Rachel and …Russ

WE’RE SO FUCKING FUCKED!
The truth is clear and plain
It’s OUR fault no one’s sayin’…
I got off the plane