The Sporting Life

When I was just a little lad, I wasn't good for much
Me father said I'd always be a slob
The girls would tell me you can look, but oh, you'll never touch
The boys would look, then punch me in the gob!
Well nowadays, some people make a fortune playing sports
From running round and rolling in the mud
But I wouldn't swap me jacket for a racquet and some shorts
And I never did enjoy the sight of blood!
But I've a friend called Frank, who's working in a bank
But lives for his game of Rugby
With ten left toes, and a cauliflower nose
He swears that it keeps him young . . . No!
THE SPORTING LIFE IS NOT FOR ME
I'D RATHER BE A DONKEY OR A MONKEY UP A TREE
I'LL SWEEP THE STREET, I'LL MINCE THE MEAT
DO ANYTHING AT ALL
BUT DON'T MAKE ME KICK ANOTHER BALL!
My teachers always hated me, I was a sickly brat
They said 'you're for the high jump' – and I was!
They thought that being tall and thin, I might be good at that
But I ran up to the line, and there I 'froz'!
But I've a pal called Paul, who loves a cricket ball
The sound that it makes on willow
He shows no fear, and hits one once a year
In matches that last that long . . . No!
There was a time I thought I might have made a bunch of friends
They dragged me to a soggy patch of grass
They started running round and well, you know how this one ends
They lost the ball and kicked me up the field!
But I've a mate called Mac, who goes to the track
And drinks till he thinks he's sober
He takes his pay, and chucks it all away
And thinks that he's having fun . . . No!
Back then your mum would say be careful what you do
Don't have to jump around
You're not a kangaroo
Meanwhile your dad said if they kick you, kick 'em back!
And give us all a real good laugh
Well nowadays I've mellowed, and I say just let 'em play
And I don't get into quite so many brawls
It's wonderful, that there's so many games for kids today
That is, providing that they've got the balls
Now I've a boy called Bill, who loves to climb a hill
And fly down when he's got skis on
I've said by heck, you'll break yer bloomin' neck
But that never stopped no one . . . No!