Older Than My Old Man Now

If I remain still, if I am alone and silent long enough to hear
The sound of my own blood, or breathing, or digestion above the
Rustling of leaves or the whirr of the refrigerator, my father is
Likely to turn up. He just arrives unbidden in the long-running
Film of my thoughts, like Hitchcock in his pictures, and he looks
For all these 40-plus years of disembodiment much like himself
Big and sandy-haired with freckles on the backs of his hands
Perhaps a bit more diffident in the way he holds himself than I
Remember. He doesn't stay long, and as far as I can tell his visits
Have no message. Yet even though years of therapy have led me to
Make the dark, whistling claim that he's finally dead and gone
My father, who died when I was 17, continues to be my principal
Ghost, a lifelong éminence grise, and only my own end will finish it

Older than my old man now
He died at 63, that's way too young
Now you gotta feed me, now you gotta need me
And I feel like a faithless son

64 Is awful old
You know what could happen next
Hey, I'm older than my old man ever was
And I'm trying to keep it in context

Yes, I'm older than my old man now
His father died at 43
From now on it's all gravy, I got 20 years more, maybe
I guess we'll have to wait and see

I wasn't sure the day would come
I've been living underneath his thumb
But I don't feel so free, I don't even feel like me
Now that there's no race left to run

Yeah, I'm older than my old man now
I guess that means I kicked his ass
But just 'cause you survive, that don't mean you feel alive
And your demise will come to pass

Nobody's sure exactly why
That everybody's got to die
Still it comes as quite a blow
Knowing you got to go and the world is gonna pass you by

Yes, I'm older than my old man now
I'm trying to keep it in context
Not only older than my old man ever was
But I'm guilty I've outlived my ex