Nineteen

It smells like Christmas when I go outside
The air is ice, wish it were gold
I haven't felt like myself in a while
Or maybe I have, and maybe I just didn't know

When I was younger, I was obsessed with time
The way each second comes and goes
Not even thirteen with a ticking bomb in my lap
And everything felt irreversible

Maybe that's what started it all

'Cause I feel so much older, so much older, than nineteen
And I can never let go, so I keep a diary
And I want every minute to feel shiny and clean
But what does that mean?
What does that mean?

Mm-mm-mm-mm
Mm-mm-mm-mm

I've lived the last year caught in a doorframe
Tightrope on a starting line
I revved my engine, they waved a checkered flag
But still, I didn't go
Afraid I'd crash and break my spine
And everyone's got their victory money on mine

'Cause I feel so much younger, so much younger, than nineteen
So I've gone back to talking to my childhood fantasies
Breathing on a bucket list or waiting for a shove
Don't wanna become another "could've"

Ah-ah-ah, ah-ah
Ah-ah, ah-ah, Ah-ah, ah-ah

Ah-ah, ah-ah, Ah-ah, ah-ah
Ah-ah, ah-ah, Ah-ah, ah-ah

Ah-ah, ah-ah, Ah-ah, ah-ah
Ah-ah, ah-ah, Ah-ah, ah-ah

Mm-mm-mm
Ah-ah, ah-ah
Ah-ah