Death Bed

I'm trying to write movies. It's fucking hard, man. And it got even
Harder this year because they released a movie on DVD. It was made in
1977, They never released it. It just now got put out on DVD this
Year and it's called Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People. I'm not
Making... Go IMDB this. This is a real movie. Death Bed: The Bed That
Eats People. And it's about a bed that's evil and it eats people
That's the whole movie. And the backstory is like the 1500s, there's
A demon, the guy kills the demon with a sword, the demon's blood gets
On the bed, now the bed's possessed. Go to present day, '77, when
People fuck on the bed, the bed kills them, because it's evil. That's
The fucking plot. So I've sold four different movies to four
Different studios, and a lot of you are thinking, "Hey, you got it
Made, kid." Hang on. Because when you sell a screenplay, you then go
Through a one-year notes process that will make you want to stab
Yourself in the eyes with your own dick that you've torn off
Shellacked, and turned into a letter opener. That is how insane...
Like, "Yeah, um, we have some notes. On page two, she's eating
Peanuts, but then later she's wearing a hat. Does that make sense?"
You're like, "What the fuck are you talking about?!" This guy wrote
Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People, took it to a second guy and
Said, "Okay, it's called Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People. Now
The backstory is there's a demon..." And then the second guy said
"Stop drilling, you hit oil. You had me at Death Bed. We are going
To rent cameras, buy film stock, hire a crew. We are shooting this
Masterpiece." They hired a crew. Caterers woke up at dawn and boiled
Coffee and sliced bagels for people to have the fuel to act in Death
Bed: The Bed That Eats People. A carpenter drove nails into wood
Building the death bed. Probably tore his shoulder out. You know
Fucked up his rotator cuff, couldn't play catch with his son growing
Up. Now the son grows up to resent him. He's blowing guys in bus
Stations all day. 50 dicks in his ass like the tail of a peacock
And his dad's going, "You know what? He'll finally understand when he
Sees Death Bed: The Bed That Eats People." Of the four movies I've
Sold, I've started 10 other screenplays, I get halfway through and
Go, "Fuck it, I just give up." I have no discipline, I just, "Ah
I can't fucking finish it." This guy thought up Death Bed: The
Bed That Eats People and fucking finished it! That means one of
Two things happened. He either never had a moment's doubt, just
Hit that typewriter every day just going, "Yeah, then the pillow
Starts to smother... Oh, this is awesome! Reach down, God, give
Me a high-five. Boom!" Or here's what's worse. What if he had
Moments of doubt and then fucking worked through them? That's so
Much worse for me if he was just going, "And then the pillow starts
To... What the fuck am I writing? I'm putting my name on this piece
Of shit! No, I will finish this! I will finish what I start!" He
Had that little poster of the kitten hanging in the tree going, "
Just hang in there, baby." He goes, "Yes, I will hang in there
Kitten." So look for my new movie next summer. It's called Rape
Stove: The Stove That Rapes People
I'm very excited. It's gonna happen!