Chinchilla Story

So I had been dating this girl for about eight, nine months
And then one day I went to lunch with Danny and Noah
And they were just talking to me and they were like
"How are things going with your blah, blah, blah?" And I was like, "Yeah, it's going well"
They're like, "Oh, is this like something you could see going on for a long time?"
And I just like thought about it for a sec and I was like
"No, I don't actually," I was like, "I don't think it will," you know?
And they were like, "Oh, do something about that," you know?
And I was like, "Shit, yeah, I probably should"
So it was like instant moment of realization of like
"Alright, I need to be out of this relationship"
But then, there was a bit of predicament though at this moment, so like
Backstory here, so my, my roomate Lilah has a chinchilla
Yeah, named Umeboshi
Um, and so, um, a few, a few weeks before this like realization
Like all my roommates are going out of town
And they were like, "Hey, Ryan, does your girlfriend want to petsit Umeboshi?"
Um, and so, I was like, "Yeah, probably, probably does, she like loves animals," whatever
So she was holding on to Umeboshi in her apartment
And like in this giant fucking tower of a cage or whatever
And so when I had this realization, my roommates were like out of town
Were gonna still be out of town for like another month
And I was like, "Okay, this is a bit of a conundrum
If I go and break up with her, i need to be able to like get this chinchilla out of her apartment
I have to like extract this thing, but like this cage won't fit in my car"
So I was like, "How the fuck am I gonna do this?" Like, "What's gonna happen?" You know?
So I called my roommates, like, you know, one of 'em was like
"Dude, just end your relationship, we'll worry about the rodent"
And then I was like, okay, I need to really end the relationship this week
And then like Friday rolls around and I'm like, alright, I'm gonna do it tonight, I'm gonna do it
And then I played tennis with Danny that morning
And we were just playing and I was like, "Hey, man, uh
Just a heads up, I'm gonna, like, I'm gonna break up with her tonight
And he was like, "Oh, dude, like, man, like, sorry to hear th—," you know?
Like, "I'm, I'm here for you, man, like whatever you need"
And then I look and I notice like oh, yeah
Danny has actually a pretty big, uh, big car
Nice Mazda CX-5? Yeah
And I was like, "Well, there's actually one thing I could really use your help with"
And then he was like, "Well, you know, it is Passover, but for you, I'll, I'll help," you know?
"I'll help, uh, help remedy the situation"
So basically he came up with a plan like, "Alright, I'm gonna go do the deed
And then I'm gonna like text you like when to, you know, move in"
And, yeah, did it, broke up with her, very sad
It was, yeah, she was not happy about that, and then
And then I like texted Danny, and then, yeah, he came through and, uh
And I had to like carry the cage by myself like down like multiple flights of stairs
She was definitely not gonna offer to help, totally fair
Um, and, uh, and so, yeah, and then, threw the cage in the backseat
I was holding the chinchilla in its ball in the passenger seat and like
And Danny threw on, uh, 'For Emma, Forever Ago'
Of course, it's like the soundtrack for post-breakup, so, yeah
That is the chinchilla story
Wait, really?