Introduction

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen
Please welcome, from Boston, Massachusetts
Steven Wright

Thanks
I used to be a parking attendant in Boston at Logan airport
I'd park jets
They let me go, though, 'cause I kept locking the keys in them
One day, I was on an 86-foot stepladder trying to get in the window with a coat hanger

I was arrested today for scalping low numbers at the deli
Sold a number 3 for 28 bucks
I was once walking through the forest alone and a tree fell right in front of me
And I didn't hеar it

I used to be a narrator for bad mimes
I livе in a house that's on the median strip of a highway
I mean, nice, grassy area, I like it
The only thing I don't like about it is when I leave my driveway, I have to be going 60 miles an hour

I have a microwave fireplace
Can lay down in front of the fire for the evening in eight minutes
Well, you can't have everything
Where would you put it?

If sometimes you can't hear me, it's 'cause sometimes I'm in parentheses
Are there any questions?
I'm feeling kinda hyper

About four years ago, I was- no, it was yesterday
Went to the hardware store
I bought some used paint
It was in the shape of a house
I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included
So I had to buy 'em again

I had trouble going home from there 'cause I parked my car in a tow-away zone
When I came back, the entire area was gone
One time, the police stopped me for speeding and they said, "don't you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?"
I said, "yeah, I know, but I wasn't gonna be out that long."