Jason Waste

Hello, my name is Jason, and I'm not gay
People call me a waste man cause I haven't got a job
I've got a knob

Bed, up, make tea, shower, eat
Paste, weed, chain, go
Make Ps, alarm, snooze, back to sleep
All of my little brothers always call me a waste man
Cause I'm 27 and I'm living down in the basement
I'm so complacent, so I will stay here
They're banging on my door, but I won't chase them
Cause I'm so lazy, the last few days I
Haven't seen daylight, haven't shaved
And they can say what they like, they just hate it
Cause I never let them have a go at my PlayStation
They said I'm fat, I need to go to the gym
I don't wanna be fat, I wanna be slim
Did a minute on the treadmill, went for a swim
Little kids jumped out soon as I jumped in
Now I'm in the changing room, hey
My name is Jason, and I'm not gay
I'm looking at your thing but it's not what you think
I'm thinking to myself, why is mine not as big?
So I think dirty thoughts so I can get it bigger
Beyonce, look at me now, I'm a killer
I said I'm not gay, go away, stop wishing
I just wanted a bit of stiff competition

Um, sorry Jason
What, what do you want?
We've just had a complaint from our very valued client
I said piss off
Sadly result in us revoking your membership
Shut up, I don't care
I'm not late, crap gym, leave
It doesn't work, how do I know it works?
I'm still fat, why am I still fat?
Excuse me?
It's a shit gym

I've got a baby mum and a lovely little son
Lovely boy, but his mum's very very dumb
I was very very drunk, I told a lot of secrets
Very very drunk, I told her not to keep it
Anyway she had it, sorry had him, Darren
His grandmother Karen wanted to call him Gavin
But I didn't have it, I was working at Maplin
Gavin was my manager and I wanted to slap him
Cause he wanted to sack me cause I wanted to stab him
Cause my girl liked him and she wanted to shag him
He's a bit bigger, but I know I could have him
As a matter of fact he kinda looks like Darren
I still got sacked, and this is how it happened
Some Nigerian guy called Tunde
Who told me to call him Thomas for short
Walked into the store, said he wanted to talk
At first I wasn't sure but because he was nice
To me, and he kinda showed me his nine
He bought a lot of stuff and he told me to swipe
But this is a woman's card
Shut up, it's for my wife
He would come in like every fortnight
And buy the same iPod four times
Apparently he was doing the same thing with Tariq
Who told the police my name when they nabbed him

Hello Jason
We're from the metropolitan police fraud department
Police?
We'd like to ask you a few-
Oink oink
Excuse me?
Oink
You're a pig
Oink
Excuse me?
Listen, go away man, I don't wanna get arrested
I want a rest, honestly
Don't come in here with me
All my little brothers smoke weed
Come and arrest them, or they'll do murder

Bed
I could sleep till the world ends
And I ain't in a rush for a girlfriend
All I ever do is fail them
Cause all I ever do is tell them the truth
If you're fat, you're fat, bitch
Ain't nothing wrong with that, don't switch
I'm just telling you a fact, do you think you're thin?
Well then
I abuse most of them
I think that's how I lose most of them
I don't wanna get too close to them
After what happened to Elton in school
Elton was cool, but he had a girlfriend
That didn't wanna do things he wanted to do
She said no but he went ahead and felt her
I think he's just coming out of Feltham
My last girl was a wannabe WAG
Who went everywhere in a cab
I told her I'm rich, she took me to Harrods
And picked up this Gucci bag worth a grand
I weren't quite like words from her gran
Because that's too much to spend on a slag
I mean, that's too much to spend on a bag
Soon as we got to the till, I ran
Then my mobile rang
Hello?
It was my first love Ann
Telling me she's split up with her man
And she's in need of a bang
I said I'll be on a bus in a minute
She said you better not buss in a minute
I got frank and rushed to the chemist
Excuse me, have you got anything for men that ejaculate pre-mature?
He took me to the back of the store
He gave me a spray, what's this for?
Put a little on the top, just before
Got to her house, clock says four
She's worn out, I'm wanting more
Cause she's sore, she went down south
And I think she's saying she can't feel her mouth
Oi, Anna, spit it out
Are you saying you can't feel your mouth?
Are you saying where's this mouse?
What, you want me to take your couch?
Look, if you wanna kiss me, pout
That's when she hit me, ouch
I think she's tryna kick me out
Just tell me, if you wanna get me out
I'm gone