Stuart

You know what, Stuart?
I like you
You're not like the other people here, in the trailer park

Oh, no, don't get me wrong
They're fine people, they're good Americans
But, they're content to sit back
Maybe watch a little Mork and Mindy on channel 57
Maybe kick back a cool Coors 16-ouncer
They're good, fine people, Stuart
But they don't know what the queers are doing to the soil

You know that Johnny Werster kid, the kid who delivers papers in the neighborhood?
He's a fine kid
Some of the neighbors say he smokes crack, but I don't believe it

Anyway, for his tenth birthday, all he wanted was a burrow owl
Kept bugging his old man, "Dad, get me a burrow owl, I'll never ask for anything else as long as I live"
So the guy breaks down and buys him a burrow owl

Anyway, 10:30 the other night
I go out into my yard, and there's the Werster kid looking up in the tree
I say, "What are you looking for?"
"Looking for my burrow owl"
I say, "Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick!
Everybody knows the burrow owl lives in a hole in the ground!
Why the hell do you think they call it a burrow owl anyway?!"
Now Stuart, do you think a kid like that is gonna know what the queers are doing to the soil?

I first became aware of all this about ten years ago
The summer my oldest boy, Bill Jr., died
You know that carnival comes through town every year?
Well, this year they came through with a ride called the Mixer
The man said, "Keep your head and arms inside the mixer at all times"
But Bill Jr., he was a daredevil, just like his old man
He was leaning out, saying, "Hey, everybody, look at me, look at me!"
Pow! He was decapitated
They found his head over by the snow cone concession

A few days after that, I open up the mail
And there's a pamphlet in there, from Pueblo, Colorado
And it's addressed to Bill Jr
And it's entitled, "Do you know what the queers are doing to our soil?"

Now, Stuart, if you look at the soil around any large U.S. city with a big underground homosexual population
Des Moines, Iowa, perfect example
Look at the soil around Des Moines, Stuart
You can't build on it, you can't grow anything in it
The government says it's due to poor farming
But I know what's really going on, Stuart
I know it's the queers, they're in it with the aliens
They're building landing strips for gay Martians
I swear to God

You know what, Stuart?
I like you
You're not like the other people here in the trailer park