Help

You know I'd give anythin' not to drown to my insecurities
And there's a huge difference between knowin' the solution and actually followin' through
I'm so tired of doubtin' myself, puttin' myself down
I just need to ignore all the lies that keep runnin' through my head

Yeah, I show strength even when I'm feelin' weak
I suit up and show up as I'm dealin' with the feat
Depression is present, you can hear it when I speak
And if I tell you I'm okay, I'd be lyin' through my teeth

Racin' thoughts as I'm drivin' in my Jeep
I just wanna feel that peace like I'm dyin' in my sleep
Let's be honest, you wanna know the truth?
I wanna feel that freedom, but I'm stuck in self-abuse

Quiverin', anxiety's through the roof
If I'm not takin' care of me, then I'm not takin' care of you
I fall short, turn around and make a joke
I make light of situations, 'cause I don't know how to cope

I'm stickin' out my hand, prayin' someone pulls me up
I can't cry for help, like my mouth is swollen and shut
I'm all in, I'm rippin' off the mask
I missed opportunities, another year has passed

And yeah, I realize to get older is a privilege
It's a miracle to make it through addiction
To all my close friends, I am sorry I've been distant
I'm sorry I don't text and I'm sorry I don't visit

It's like, life is like a minefield I walk through
Just need a little hope and a God that I can talk to
Nobody is perfect, everybody makes mistakes
I've came a long way, I need to give myself a break

I get so in my head, thinkin' I should be further in life than I am
It cripples me, I struggle, I struggle to live in the here and now
I'm always fixated on the future and it's like, my mind can be so dangerous
And it can become such a dark place

Even in a crowded room, I feel alone
I need to reach out, I can't do this on my own
Colder than mid-February and pained, it is necessary
Illness is hereditary, the trips to the cemetery

Issues by the carload, a pocket full of money but I still fear tomorrow
I've always stuffed my feelings, the process is vital and I can't interrupt the healin'
I went from holdin' a syringe to holdin' my kids
I went from wantin' to die to bein' eager to live

To my wife to be, I know I shut down
Lack of communication, I am not where I'd like to be
I need to be more patient with Brielle
Am I right or wrong? Half the time, I can't even tell

I'm full of flaws, and the work is never done, still
I need to be more affectionate with my son, I mean
Listen, I hope you understand me
I'll go that extra mile while providin' for my family

I stay calm even when I'm triggered
I'm just tryna be a positive father figure
I'm grippin' on to gratitude and prayin' I don't lose it
There's several parts of parenthood where I need improvement

But it's not about me, it's all about the kids
'Cause even when I'm empty, all I ever do is give
You know it's an incredible feelin' to be able to be there for others
Family is everythin', I just want to do my part and I just want to be enough

I want to be that role model for my children and show them that
It's not about the hand you were dealt, it's how you play your cards
I want them to know that they can come to me about anythin'
And they don't ever have to face their problems alone

Isolated in this pessimism and synthetic prison again
I'm headed towards these vicious emotions with no forgiveness
I pick myself up every time I fall
I pick that phone up and guard every time you call

I only seen two options, dead or jail
Now all I see is innocence behind that wedding veil
You can flip that coin, 'cause whether it's heads or tails
I'm embracin' every risk, I won't ever fail

I'll never win the nomination
My past life is not exactly diner conversation
I'm not complainin', I'm just sittin' here and checkin' in
Tired and exhausted, I'm just hopin' for a second wind

I should reach for help, maybe I don't ask enough
Bendin' down and pickin' up the pieces to this fractured trust
I'm drivin' on this lonely road
Goin' toe to toe with all my demons, God only knows

I feel worthless
I beat myself up on them days that I ain't perfect
I should be elated for the fact that I'm alive
I mean, I should be happy for the fact that I survived