Redline

There's a part of me that screams in code
When small things fall like a crash-load node
I don't shatter, I corrode
I rot politely, but I still implode
My brain plays loops I never queued
Every silence echoes what he'd do
Every breath I fake is proof I lied
That I'm not him, but something died

I hate his name where mine's been carved
Hate his voice, still in my arms
He made me feel like less than flesh
Now he's my ghost when I confess

I can't trust my fucking head
Keeps rebooting what he said
Every flaw he drilled in me
Echoes drains my memory
I'm not okay, I'm just in sync
With all the hell I swore I'd shrink
I'm breaking slow, don't even try
I learned to fake when I can't cry

They say I'm strong, but I'm not tough
I glitch when life gets sharp enough
That's how deep the cracks still spread
One twitch and I'm fucking dead
I don't snap, I store and rot
Until the moment I say I'm not
But it's too late, his shape's in mine
Even in kindness I designed

They ask me shit like, "What's your fear?"
It's lookin' in mirrors year by year
And seeing him with my regrets
Like every breath is unpaid debt

I can't trust my fucking head
It keeps rebooting what he said
Every flaw he drilled in me
Echoes drains my memory
I'm not okay, I'm just in sync
With all the hell I swore I'd shrink
I'm breaking slow, don't even try
I learned to fake when I can't cry

I wanted silence, not shutdown
I wanted peace, not break down
I wanted to vanish, just to be sure
That his code wouldn't run no more

I can't trust my fucking head
It feeds me back the things he said
Every promise I rewrite
Still glitches when I say goodnight
I'm not him, but I feel the frame
Of all his guilt inside my name
I'm trying hard, fuck if I ain't
But healing feels like something I ain't